Memories

January 30, 2026

Memories

Dec 2008

My comment: We had such long conversations for months during 2008-9... but you didn't come to India for some reason. You were very spiritually wise even at the age of 16-17......Hope you remember wherever you are, as you already said you will never forget it....must be around 35 now :-)

NEVER HAD SUCH A STRONG CONNECTION WITH ANYBODY ELSE. FELT LIKE SOULMATES! BUT I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT HIGHER POWER SENT YOU TO AWAKEN ME ONLY WHILE THE KIDDISH MIND WANTED TEMPORARY LOVER (WHO COULDN'T SATISFY EVEN IF I GOT YOU AS YOU ALSO SAID AND AS IT'S SEEN FROM THE EXAMPLES OF OTHERS) INSTEAD OF ULTIMATE FREEDOM. :-)

I was rude with you (although better would be a gentle goodbye but emotions were strong then) as I felt you were confused (not posting all those chats here though), which might be due to your age and other limitations, while I believe in standing for my decisions and simple sorted out life (I avoid confusions in life....take a decision and stick to it unlike you as you broke promises made to me which is the sign of lack of practical spirituality or may be you are evolved....haha...you know better. AND I WAS RUDE (STILL WRONG THOUGH) BECAUSE OF THAT ONLY. IT ALL ENDED BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED BY GOD.....ONLY GOD KNOWS!), but anyways, I'm happy that you are working for the United Nations now.....I work out of my joy as a celebration of human life, working specifically for people doesn't matter much to me.....as working for people is also an illusion......the organization, which can't even stop wars in the world, is just doing ok work, and I'm not much impressed with them either.

LIVING MOMEMT TO MOMENT - You said that promises don't matter but tell your organization that you won't complete a project because you said in past and lived from moment to moment....they will throw you out immediately. hahaha! And your family that the it was over when I was born and now, I don't belong to you but you couldn't leave your family...due to attachment which you didn't want?. :-)

As per my understanding moment to moment living means you don't make promises or you apologize as you are sensitive enough to do that.

NOT United Nations (UN) LIKE TALKS BUT MEDITATION / AWARENESS CAN STOP WARS, AND I HAVE GREAT HOPES FROM MAINLY OSHO'S VISION FOR HUMANITY

Osho did more extensive work than most spiritual gurus, and while his teachings are more than enough, I still appreciate the wisdom offered by other teachers.

POSITIVE SIDE OF IT:

MY NOTE ON IT: We are complete within ourselves. Soul is love. We are soul and nothing needed. That's the essence of our interaction. :-)

Thanks for giving me this experience of life as it made my story enriching. :-)

Thanks for introducing Nisargdatta Maharaj:

Wisdom and Love: "When I look inside and see that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I look outside and see that I am everything, that is love. Between these two, my life turns".

The Power of Self-Love: "The only thing I plead of you is to make your love of yourself perfect".

And also Ramesh Basekar to me:

Ramesh Balsekar (1917–2009) was a prominent Indian spiritual teacher of Advaita Vedanta (non-duality) and a former President of the Bank of India. He is best known for his modern, practical interpretation of non-dualism, which he simplified for a global audience through daily talks in his Mumbai home.

A few glimpses of beautiful coversation we had out of hundreds of chat sessions:

June to Oct 2008: Chatted at another platform but no access to it.

Nov 2008:

Friend:

a. just had such a strong will..to run away with you, have enough money to live together wherever we want, not depending on unaware people...

b. I wanted you to get more aware without getting attached to me

there r only 4 aware people i know...

you, my father, his brother(my uncle) and a friend who likes Gurdjieff

if we were together i think i would not be talking to you at all because words mess up everything

that would be wonderful living together neither in <her country> nor in India

somewhere where no one will find us

just living, for nothing, for no result

maybe all these are just dreams like anything else

Dec 2008:

Friend:

a. hi, sorry for bothering you!

i was just emptying my box and found a beautiful poem by Tiutchev(russian poet). then i found the translation. here you go:

Separation has this lofty meaning:

if love lasts years,

if but a day it takes,

love's just a dream

and we're a moment dreaming,

and whether early, whether late the waking,

the time must finally arrive when we awake.

b. in the end of the movie there is a beautiful song by bob marley..." emancipate urselves from mental slavery, no one but ourselves can free our minds, have no fear for atomic energy coz non of it can stop the time...how long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look..." and so on- a beautiful song

and they lived forever in the moment dissolved in the universe with their endless love (< her name>&rohit's movie)

love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hug to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you Rohit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny thing is that when i dont talk to you&just being very conscious then you are always with me. when we start talking it seems that you are not with me anymore. do you understand?

Dec 2008:

u are my little conscious light

i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i'll come i'll read u smth in <her language name> lang.

want to embrace you

and not to talk

just wanna be with you

no point of hurting each other

here is a wonderful poem by Sri Chinmoy:

"O LOVE ME MORE AND LOVE ME LONG

O love me more and love me long.

My boat is sinking, my hope is strong.

O love me more and love me long.

My breath is bleeding, my dream is strong.

O love me more and love me long.

My soul is leaving, my surrender strong.

O love me more and love me long.

My Goal is crying, my promise strong."

i dont want ur happiness to be depending on me(or anybody else) coming

remember in ur heart that all we are one. she's you, you are me, i am her...when you are aware of it there are no issues

but giving will liberate you!!! i want you to be free&happy

when i used to live in <abc> i met many guys from india.they r

all kind of rotten.that's y i was really surprised when u turned out 2

be so honest&sincere!

u r exceptional!

just tell you what i want. i want to live for people

share my everything with anybody

because love is the only power i know which can wake people up

no awareness talks

nothing will work

Jan 2009:

Friend:

a. wonderful! it's raining :) everything is so beautiful! i think about you and smile :)

b. ...even if i could find the solution and gave it to you, you would not

appreciate it,because we never appreciate things we get easily... But

i can tell you,my friend, that there's no You and the Problem as two

separate things... it's all one... i hope these words will reach the

depths of your understanding,even if you are in the middle of your

work now :)

i wish you to be blissful and happy!

c. one has to accept All things, if he/she wont...the same things will be chasing him/her from life to life

d. i am your lover dear Rohit! but i cant belong to one person, i know it now. i am for all people.accept it :)by open i meant that i dont hide anything from you.but you are so concentrated on your little dreams that you see nothing.

e. hi, daaaaaaaarrrrlllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggg!

there is no time

time exists in mind only

and outer time we know is just a reflection of our inner time

when we understand that there's no time we become eternal

when we are eternal, we don't live in present or past, or in future because all those are sides of time, are parts of illusion.

eternity means no time

if there's no time there's no death and no fear, because you don't compare...

time is a cage

timelessness is freedom

the feeling of eternity is almost like a feeling of living in a present moment but still it's a bit different.

it's much deeper

the more you comprehend that truth the more flowers of eternity your heart is blossoming with

time and mind exist together

the more timeless you become the more mind gets retired

because mind is an illusion and it exists only tied up with another illusion

clocks people invented are just a reflection of clocks in our minds

a mind cant live without time. time cant live without mind

timelessness is freedom

timelessness is when you know that nothing can be repeated

eternity means that you can give give and give and there never will be the end to it.

beggining and end are limits

their absence is something mind cant understand because it's limited in itself... "

g. hope soon all that idiotism with using words will be finished and pure life will remain :)

silence only..and two hearts beating as one! :)

Jan 2009 continues:

a. if it was me on your place i would have shared with you what i'm going

through & the pain would be lifted off my shoulders...

...yesterday i felt like all sadness of the world came to my heart. i

wondered what could it be and then a thought came-Rohit.

remember,dear friend,no matter what it is-pain,anger,happiness...give

it to me,let it go from your heart.that's what giving means...

i do it all the time.any thought or a feeling...i try not to gain even

in meditativeness...anything i share with the universe or with

mr.Gurdjieff,which are the same...

i'm sending you all my caring...

but if a heart really wishes, one will meet a master...but following a master is death

master leaves his body and everything goes with him. organizations are just a waste of time

i hope a day will come when enlightened people wont be exceptional anymore, whenn it will be normal to be aware

we have to be open now! but you say : " it's a chat, i dont have to be open, it's not a real life". Then when i'll come you'll say : " we are not married yet and you dont live with me, how can i be open?" and then when we married you say : " sorry, i thought you are different. can't be open with you now!"........

if we dont love and belong to each other now then marriage is an illusion......

my little bear!

:) love you much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know a movie where a guy who farted flied on a spaceship to cosmos.

haha dont make me explain

a great hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my beloved friend! when you will truly feel that you are One with

anything...then anger will be transformed... Until then... : the one

who fights always loses,even if he thinks he wins;the one who never

fights always wins,even if he thinks the opposite...

you are one with me-fighting with me means fighting with

yourself...(it's just an example)

remember the tale about the dog and mirrors...

kiss you sweetly in your beautiful forehead!

<her name> ;)

dont try too hard ;)))

whenever you feel anything negative...just give it to me.Tell that

feeling to fly from your heart away forever to me...

much support and caring!

Feb 2009:

Friend:

Happy Valentine's Day, dear Rohit!...A warm hug :)

Me:

thanks and same to you! :-)

Friend:

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

INVITATION

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

.......................

Me:

i was just remembering you and i was thinking that you must be thinking that why am i not saying anything.

It's just that i'm concentrating on work & trying not to interfere in your life as you have your own life afterall and we are all alone. :-)

Friend:

Great answer..i am relieved. have tears on my eyes

you are a treasure.

..........................

Friend:

Why do you tell me that?

I am open with you like with nobody else. You are not the reason! It

is just that i dont want to keep you in uncertainity! If i will come

and you still will be free, that will be a good thing and may be we'll

make it up. But if i'll come and you are married, then it is fine too,

i will live with my so called spirituality.

Me: yes better not to be serious about this illusionary life......afterall, what's important in this moment is completely forgotten after sometime inspite of all the overreactions. :-)

March 2009:

Friend:

I just... feel that i would be happy if you were here, bcoz i want

you, Rohit, and only you. all other people are idiots to me... all

kind of spiritual and non-spiritual idiots. Spiritual are even worse

;)

..........................

Friend:

I was thinking...(i am sorry, dear Rohit, for sharing with you all

that nonsense....but i dont have anybody to tell such things and i

doubt they can get what i actually mean to say...)... about death.

This morning i saw clearly that all my 'soul, spirit, next life' ideas

are unnecessary... and only increase anxiety and fear. The

thought-feeling that i am like a candle will burn to ashes is very

relieving... :)

Me:

yes, it's better to disappear completely than be.....as our being is all about dreaming, achieving, imagining....in the name of spirituality.....& on a physical plane, we are just human animals & doing things like eating, shitting, cleaning ourselves etc. which is not of much significance and millions r doing the same. :-)

So, better to turn into ashes. :-)

..................

Me:

as far as i understand, we must do things which we enjoy and comes out of our awareness...which can give meaning to our meaningless lives

Friend:

Very true, Rohit. Which things bring meaning to your life?..

Me:

watching movies, making love ( will ), food, going out, meditation, being aware, doing good, making someone smile, a good laugh, helping deserving people, my work, attending interesting event, shower ( just going & have to go out now ...hehe )

Friend:

Great! i did not know that you like movies... :)

i was thinking... eheh, my list is shorter... :) I enjoy doing nothing

most than anything else...doing nothing and good music (i recommend

you Grover Washington, even if our tastes are different... you will

like him!)

April 2009:

Friend:

a. No, no, questions are never stupid!

:-)

On the contrary, i am grateful, that you listen with your heart.!

Much Love. :)

b. That is great.... Among all people i know.... your understanding is

clear. I am truly happy, just happy.

Western people are so intellectual and clinging to conceps, 'i should

do this or that. i should/ should not let go' and so on... People from

East, Asia are also in such a misunderstanding with 'religion', 'god'.

Rare to find a midpoint.

If you are going to bed, i wish you a beautiful sleep.

c. I meant to say that only in one's heart understanding can happen...

instantly! No matter how many books he/she read or how many gurus

visited. No matter how high or low he/she is on a "spiritual

ladder"(nonsense!). Something just happens, when intellect is silent

and it does not need time. It is instant... happens right now in a

heart of one's heart. And then he/she can't say anything...becoming

spellbound, because it is so simple and always was right here.

Hugs and kisses to You, sweetest Rohit!

Important to see that 'people' is only Conciousness/God. That is why

no matter how 'the other' affects 'me', it is just Conciousness, which

plays different roles.

You are not island... as Osho said.

You are a wave in the ocean, a pulsating cell of the universe...

Dont reduce yourself to Rohit

Consciousness, which makes a body called <her name> alive, and

Consciousness, in rohit's body is the same. Because of the illusion of

separation, this talk happens. Is it not beautiful?

May 2009:

Friend:

a. Dear Rohit, how are you?

Having fingers crossed for you for tomorrow. All power of my heart is with you!

It all will be alright, it is just a dream, you know. Remain yourself

everywhere with anyone and may your heart be in peace and clarity!

b. Yes, but that truth gets obscured by thoughts

You suffer because you are not here and not there

Choose something

either to fall back into unaware life ( impossible) or just watch everything that comes

Watching liberates you for that false entity the mind has created

And beyond the thought...

there is peace

beauty

beyond words

can u feel the vastness of it?

You are the light in which things appear and disappear

You are the emptiness within which the sound is born

Everything is within you

Aum shram shrim shraum sah ketave namah.

This mantra brings you enourmous inner strength and power, my beloved

Rohit. If you say it with all power of your heart, you will see the

result right up. But then, if you say it right, that chanting itself

brings much joy and you dont care about results anymore.

............

Friend: just a thought came that i probably said smth wrong and you dont talk because of that

me: no no

just don't feel like chatting much

Friend:

Oh, i understand.

June 2009 :

Me:

thanks honey / darling / baby / cutie / doll / cindrella / angel / goddess / honeybee / sweetie / dreamgirl / soulmate / my heart / my soul / barbie / beauty queen / miss world / sweet sixteen / <her name> the great / my lovely master / my heart's desire / my continental cuisine / my dream woman ..... :-)

Friend:

a. :)... Looking at you with my eyes full of love

b. Dear

I am now in Moscow, then going to Bangkok

The travel is a bit hard...we have missed our connection flight

Your words have warmed my heart enourmously

I love you, my soulmate

Be free

Love Love

c. :)...but i dont know what can break your heart

i will tell you what can break my heart:

1) when you talk harsh

2) when you are in pain

d. Dear Rohit,

you are free to be with me or with anybody else

How can i hold you? how can i say: "dont love anybody, except for me"

? Understand, it is not indifference from me, i love you. But i cant

put you in a prison of my love. You are not mine and you will never

be. See it and smile :)

e. We are so alike... I dont know anybody as similar with me as you

are...i feel you can understand everything

in my head i also was a bit complaining, hehe...

f. We will meet, i am sure....

You are blessed

..........................

Me:

wow! i'm really very sorry.....i realized that i can't separate myself from you.....it's impossible now......marriage or no-marriage.....meeting or no-meeting.......we are one and nothing can separate us......

Friend:

Yes, you and i are one :) Good that you know it too.

..........................

Friend:

Even if we'll stop talking...it will change nothing. One and the same

for all times

..........................

Me:

No jealousy / no insecurity should be ther but I think it's better to be honest if jealousy and insecurity is there than to hide it and suppress it which only creates problem in the long run.

Friend:

Yes, no jealousy, dear...Because even when i'll be leaving this

body(dying), i will know that You are my another part. No matter where

and with whom we are, we are one.

..........................

Friend: 'I wish to live in a world where everyone is always'

Me : Me too....but it changes fast...people changes...everything changes...... you never know when a person will turn hostile or leave you. :-)
It's more obvious when one meets many people.

Friend : I enjoy your way of talking

Me : this is the way a Buddha talks...haha!

Anyway, the only way to remain unaffected with change and feel as if nothing changes is to detach oneself from all that which changes.

Friend : Thats a task for a lifetime, dear :)

Me : really? Isn't it just about being aware & enjoy inner bliss.....just a moment is needed!

Friend : Ah, i am smiling, so cool!

...............

Friend:

Listen, it is already one year as we know each other! Cool, isnt it??

...............

July 2009:

Friend:

a. Hi! how is it today???

are you ok??

today i woke up with a great feeling of love...

wish to hug you

kisses

hahaha...sweetheart

Well, today i spent at home, and yesterday too, and the day before too..I have a sore throat..and reading Eckhart Tolle :)) Thinking of you, when thoughts of you come to my head, which happens quite often

And you???What about you???

I miss you :)

Good, i am happy...

I am fine too. These days feeling very centred..dont know how to say..it is a very good sensation

All heartful wishes for my twinsoul :))

Uh, can't open the videos :)))

How are You??? Smiling thinking that you are reading this now :))

What can i say about Osho, or Ramesh, or Maharaj?? Names are different and so are forms, but it is allthe same One thing playing with itself :))

Love :****

Oct 2009:

Friend: Who loses the awareness? Sincerety and strength are needed, to keep the "I" thought in the head no matter what. Strength comes when it must, until then suffering, anger will continue. Who wants them to stop? As Ramesh Balsekar said " The power that started the search will bring you where it has to. Why worry? Why want that thirst to stop? "

Me: True! All is suffering without love / awareness. But one must be earnest enough to decide to be aware as nisargdatta suggests.

So, i'm just watching myself....my desires and fears.....sometimes i give up to them but then i realize that it only brings more suffering.

i keep reading ( osho, nisargdatta, ramesh etc. ) that if you accept everything as it is then nothing else is needed....so, better not to fight with suffering too.....better not to ask for anything and accept even hell.

Friend:

:))))))))) I agree

Will you let me to share that I've read Ramana saying......I liked that example very much. He said that cross on which Jesus was hanged is ego....and that it dies slowly..that's why so much suffering....But one day, it is dropped off...and you are resurrected as Jesus was.

Me:

Karl talks like Nisargdatta i feel

anyway, interesting answer by Karl :

Can you say something about the relationship between man and woman? It seems to promise so much but contains so much pain. Is there any possibility of a true liberation through relationships?

The question is: Is there one who has a relationship and the necessity of liberation? The desire for every union (oneness) is based on the idea of separation. Can something which originates from a lie lead to truth? Can that which is dependent, by its nature dead, subject to time, make you what you are? Where the idea of oneness arises, there is twoness; by uniting is separated, and all comes and goes with something false, the "I". So, back to the root, to the question: To whom or in what does this "I" appear?

Friend:

Yes, yes.......thank you...I have read it in russian in his book :)

"To whom this/that thought or desire appears?" This is the main question..Then comes the answer "To me.". Well then "who am I? " And here...............silence.....All desires and thoughts are blown up by that.

Oct 2009 further:

Friend:

a. Rohit, I understand you...But what can I do? You see, I did not have any expectations from you, that is why I don't feel angry. Whether you are here, talking to me or there in silence, it makes no difference to me. Not because I have other relations, but just because I am not attached to what comes and goes..how can I explain..I don't think about that great time when we always kept in touch..because I did not use it for my purposes, did not have a goal to be reached in the end. Anyway, in a way I am glad that you are talking :) In that crazy illusionary world can we hold on to what's unchanging? :) With a smile, the same <her name>.

b. I don't love anybody, Rohit. And i also gace you my soul, remember how i was clinging to you, but you threw it all back to me.

c. I will lose nothing but I don't want to live with you (or anybody else). I am iron sure about it.

Nothing is bad in relation, I think.

d. Yes, I agree :) No need to open..Haha, you see, there is a basic misunderstanding here. Being open to someone means reconginizing the reality of the other, which is not true..Who is to pe opened to whom? You see, the language is dual, but what I try to say is simple. By no means, please, stay with what is always yours, which is the "I" thought. All your world is based on it. (on the I) Find out where does it come from ( the thought I) and be at peace.

e. Who loses the awareness? Sincerety and strength are needed, to keep the "I" thought in the head no matter what. Strehgth comes when it must, until then suffering anger will continue. Who wants them to stop? As Ramesh Balsekar said " The power that started the search will bring you where it has to. Why worry? Why want that thirst to stop? "

f. And beyond all that..you have yourself, that one which never ends. It is the obvious that slips away ( because mind sees the gross only ) and it is the obvious which is taken for granted.

Nov 2009:

Friend:

a. You know what, my dear Rohit??? We can do nothing, absolutely nothing! Whether you think yourself to be spiritual and see all those gods and angels, or trying to improve your Love or whatever, all that does not lead to anything...There can only be some Grace, that's it...Grace that will remove you&the world in a flash. But that's only my opinion.

What are your ideas? How to reach enlightenment??? :))))))))))))))))))))

b. Yes, I know. As long as we see others, life is hell. I understand you, but I dont think there is any way out. The power that created the situation, will dissolve it or not. I feel, that in these days many people, incluing myself, undergo very tough situations. It seems life itself wants to break us down so we could surrender to it.

FELT BELOW AT TIMES BUT REAL LOVE IS WITHIN US ONLY:

Titanic: "A Thousand Years" -

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Rohit Malik

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